The Sandwich Phenomenon

Okay so a couple of days ago, after a call from my sister-in-law to talk about how much she enjoyed my blog, I was motivated to catch up. So I wrote and I wrote and I wrote ... 2 and a half hours to be exact ... then my computer locked up and I lost all I had written. Oh my gosh that was painful ... not because I had lost all that time but because I had lost all of the feelings I had put into it! Now I must try to remember what I wrote and some of it may change because a few days have passed and so maybe I do not feel the same way I did on that day. ; )

I have been really busy experiencing the sandwich phenomenon. No, I am not talking about sandwiches like peanut butter or grilled cheese, I am talking about when you are a baby boomer and you are taking care of your kids, grandkids and aging parent at the same time.

We put my Mom in a care center last week. Now I know you probably just sighed and thought "Oh no, that sucks" but I think this is a good decision for my Mom right now. It is a great place in her hometown so when she walked in it was like the homecoming queen had just walked in. "Look, there is Grace ... Hi Grace ... come over here". She did not remember these people but I hope with more socializing she will get some memories back. She is amazing, like my cousin Linda said, she is the epitome of her namesake, Grace. You could see it in her face that she did not know the ones who were so glad to see her but she knew enough ... she knew she did not want to hurt their feelings. So after a brief moment of confusion she broke into the most heartwarming smile and as she always does, she made them proud to be in her presence. I wish I could put into words what a class act my Mom is. The world would be much different if everyone had the opportunity to learn the things my Mom taught us. And it was not in a way that you think a parent teaches ... it was in her walk, in her expressions, in her tone, in her words of wisdom. You learn from watching her, when she talks you listen. I did not realize how much she had taught me until so much later in my life. I have told her thanks many times and I think the first time I told her she was still at a point that she really got it. Now I am not so sure but I still tell her every time I see her.

When I sit with my Mom I think, "I do not want to end up in a "nursing home" ... but I do not want to be a burden on my kids either". But my Mom is not a burden and Louis and I talked alot about how we might make it work to have my Mom with us but with Jenn and the kids here it is not feasible. Besides she really needs alot more medical care than we can give. I know my Mom is not mentally the way she was at one time because she does not want to believe she needs to be in a care center. If my Mom were still the Mom of my youth she would know that this is for the best and she would not be sad when I leave. The Mom of my youth would never want to do or say anything to make us worry or feel guilty. My Mom is not the Mom of my youth anymore and that is so painful sometimes. We do come full circle ... I am back to the pain I felt when I left my kids in daycare and they cried for me not to go. But just like then, we are doing the best we can.

If I get to where my Mom is today will I remember how I felt as the Mom of my kid's youth?

I love you so much Mom!

Pizza with Pineapple? No Thanks!

This is my 2nd post today but I wanted this one to be separate.

We had pizza tonight ... remember Tuesday is pizza night! We got one that was half pineapple. Well the other half of that pizza was gone and so I showed Matthew how if I took off the pineapple it would just be cheese like he liked. He looked at it and pointed to the indentation where the pineapple had been (not really visible to the naked eye) and said, "You can see where the pineapple was so I will be able to taste it." And then in the most polite way he said "No thank you I will not have anymore pizza."

Discouraged, he sat down to finish his homework and about that time Jennifer came in and was made aware of the dilemma. So next thing, Jennifer, Allison and I are in the sunroom discussing it and Jenn and I have pretty much written the evening off as a catastrophe when Allison gets up and goes in the kitchen. She messes around in the pizza box for a minute, and then asks Matthew, "Do you want my pizza I did not eat?" Matthew enthusiastically says yes, knowing Allison would not be eating the pineapple pizza, and he eagerly finishes off "her" pizza. The evening is saved!

So what makes this story so great? The pizza Allison gave him was the same piece I tried to give him but Allison took the time to analyze the situation and come up with a way to make Matthew feel happy again. What a great thing for a 13 yr old to do? Her Mom and Grandma learned from her today! I LOVE YOU Allison!

First Day of School

I do not think, even if I had sat down and drawn a picture of how I wanted the first day of school to go for my Grandkids in a new school, it could have gone this well! None of them really said so yesterday and this morning but in hindsight I do think they were very nervous about today. Last night the mood was heavy in the house. There was not the usual "happy" in the air but I did not really notice it nor would have I suspected why if I had not seen the way they were tonight. Lots of smiles with sparkles in their eyes, shoulders held high ... just very happy.

Allison loves her teachers ... especially her math lab teacher. I was so excited about them coming here to school because I knew that the minute they recognized her struggles with math they would be all over it with extra help! I predict with this teacher she will make huge strides in math. She said he introduced her to everyone and told everyone what a cool kid she was. Talk about giving her a boost of self confidence as the newbie. If she had been walking any taller this evening I am not sure she would have made it through the door! Jennifer asked if if she made any friends, "YEA with all of them" she said with a hint of DUH in her voice. And then a long pause before she said "not with the boys though!" ; )

Matthew also loves it. He said his teacher talks very nice and he made 2 new friends. His favorite subject is math. Matthew came running into the kitchen with his notebook saying, "Grandma, LOOK at this, you are not going to believe it!" He pulled out a permission slip and read it to me. It was a permission slip for a field trip to the Dallas World Aquarium. He is ecstatic!

Braeden also loved his first day. His favorite subject is Gym. Matthew said, "But what is your favorite subject out of Math, Science and Reading?" Braeden thought long and hard and then repeated, "Gym".

None of Matthew or Braeden's friends have names yet though, they only have shirt colors. "The boy in the green shirt is my friend ... the boy in the red shirt is my friend". At this school they have "buddies" they get assigned to and their buddies stick by them for 2 weeks to show them the ropes. How neat is that?

As of day one they want to go to these schools forever so that is a great start.

We did pretty good today sticking to our schedule for the evening. Got homework done with no complaining and went to bed with very minimal "after lights out chatter". Life is good! ; )

I thought all of them would want us to take them to school on the second day but what was I thinking ... they want to ride the bus!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Yesterday we had girl's day out while Matthew and Braeden were with their Dad. We went to Dallas and had lunch ... on the way we were discussing different things, not sure what exactly we were talking about at the time but Allison said, "I like living at Grandma's cause we have rules and we stick with them." I think it proves the fact that kids thrive on rules and structure. They want to know what to expect and what is expected. It creates a comfort / safety zone for them. Too many parent's today I think feel like rule's and structure inhibit their kids. Or maybe they hesitate to do that because they are so busy they feel guilty and so to make it up to the kids they just let them have free rein ... they do not want to structure the limited amount of time they have with the kids. I think the structure makes it possible to maximize the time you do have with them. And besides all that we had a GREAT time!

We played grandparents and kept the kids while Jen and Megan went out. We got snacks and movies, party hats and noise makers, sparkling grape juice and champagne ... we were ready! So we popped in a movie and I did the usual, about the time the movie was 5 minutes in I was asleep. Oh my gosh, I would just love to stay awake for a movie.

The New Year's Eve celebration was also the usual ... at 5 minutes to 12 Louis wakes me up and I say okay ... at 3 minutes til Louis says "you are going to miss it", I say okay ... I watch the clock on the TV with one eye open and at 15 seconds til jump up, throw on the party hat, grab the noise maker, 5,4,3,2,1, Happy New Year, clank the glasses as we toast each other, give kisses!! Whew made it through another New Years celebration. I am going to bed!

You see some people say they just go to bed at their normal time and if I did that I guess my New Year's celebration would not really be any different than the way I do it now but there is something about being awake and cheering at that second when we cross from one year to the next ... I just have to do it.

The kids loved it ... the snacks, the movie that we all watched together, the hats, the noisemakers ... oh my gosh, it was the best party for them. They really got into the idea of the "new year" and what that meant. And then after all the Happy New Year wishes it was so sweet hearing Braeden tell Matthew on the way up the stairs, "this is a happy day Matthew".

Also, we made the Please Knock signs for all bedroom and bathroom doors, we decorated containers for the boys to keep their special things in, and we decorated the talking stick. Check out the pictures!

Oh and we did have the traditional blackeyed peas on New Years with cornbread. It was great but Matthew did the usual stare. The one where he just looks at his food intently as if he is thinking, "If I stare at this food long enough maybe I can will it to disappear without it ever having to pass my lips". That is okay I helped him out. I said, "It is okay Matthew if you do not want to eat that (his face lit up). We can just put it in the microwave and when you want a snack later we can heat it up for you" (the light in his face went out). I think after this happens a few times he will figure out we are serious about eating meals.

School is just around the corner ...

So what is the talking stick?

It just occurred to me that in my previous post I did not describe what the talking stick is. Well here is how it works ...

At the Family meeting we will put a talking stick in the middle of the table. Ours is just an old tree limb about 18 inches long and an inch in diameter. When the boys get back we will decorate it. You cannot talk at the meeting unless you are holding the stick, when you are finished talking you lay the stick back down on the table. The next person that picks up the stick can then talk. This keeps people from talking over other people's thoughts and feelings with their own thoughts or opinions. It also forces that all important silence after someone has expressed themselves giving people time to ingest what was said. I hate how it feels when you spill your guts to someone and before your last word is even all the way out they are jumping in with what you know they have been thinking about the whole time you were talking.

At our first meeting we did great about picking up the stick to start a new topic but there was still too much interjection while others were talking. Consequently we would end up going on tangents and the poor soul that had the stick never got to finish!

We will do better next time. ; )

First Family Meeting

First Family Meeting today and it was a huge success! The boys were not here, they were with Bobby but we still enjoyed it. As a matter of fact the things that involved the boys were best discussed without them so that we were all on the same page when we talked to them. Allison totally got into it ... getting her thoughts on the table is her cup of tea. It energizes her and you could just see any concern about her not having any say so in this thing we call life melt from her expression!

We discussed:

Knocking: To remind the boys how important it is to knock we are going to have them make signs that say knock and hang them on all bedroom and bathroom doors.

Respect for space and stuff: We reviewed what is private space and what is public and how it is important that we treat the private spaces with a hands off mentality unless invited. We also talked about picking up after ourselves in the public spaces so that everyone can enjoy them.

Working the kinks out of grocery shopping: We talked about the shopping schedule and the learning curve we will have regarding what and how much to buy.

Who's the boss and when?: We talked about there being too many chiefs and not enough indians for Matthew and Braeden and we need to let Jennifer take care of the discipline when she is here. Grandma and Grandpa will get involved when asked to. Allison has been freed of her responsibility to discipline them and instead will be a big sister and a confidante for them.

We talked about the use of the talking stick and used it some but we do need to work more with it! I do not think we followed the rules too well! ;)

Backpack Holder's and Pancake Breakfasts

Okay, it has been proven! I had a feeling but now I know it! Experiences create the memories that make the fabric that make the mortar and bricks we live in, a home. Does that make sense? It is my dream to make a home with experiences and not stuff because it is the experiences that change the house, not the stuff. We have a tradition of Saturday morning being pancake breakfast and have done that for a couple of years now. We are carrying on the tradition that Louis's parents did before us. The kids love it and they hold us to it. Matthew keeps close track of the days so he can assure himself we do not forget! Jennifer said when they moved into our little house in Roaring Springs where many pancake breakfasts were held the first thing Matthew asked her was when was the Saturday pancake breakfast? You see when he walked into the house it was not the furniture or the pictures that generated the warm feelings of fun but rather the memories. Here in Fort Worth they immediately discuss the many experiences and memories, not the color on my walls or the new lamp! I want my house to be the house they bring their kids to and memories flow as they reminisce about wonderful childhood experiences.

We went shopping yesterday for cubbies for the entry hall so that when they get home from school they have a place to put backpacks, etc. so we do not have the constant yelling from one end of the house to the other, "Wheeeerre is myyyyy baaackpaaack?". Or any other things they will misplace if they do not have a place for it. We found this great shelf unit and Matthew and Louis put it together last night. Louis texted me, "A kodak moment in the garage", so off I went camera in hand. When it was finished Matthew came to get me to come look at it and I do not think he could have been walking any taller than he was. He was so proud! Oh it was great and so perfect. I explained to them how we were going to use it and said let's take it in the house. In a tone as grown up as a 7yr old can put out there Matthew said, "Do you want to help Grandpa carry it in or do you want me to?" Now to appreciate this you have to understand this was not a lightweight shelf unit. I said how about if we both help Grandpa, he cheerfully said OK! Braeden then wanted to help and so I let each of them grab a corner and I followed close behind to help if needed. Braeden just had the proudest and contented look on his face as we carried it in. Kids expressions tell the whole story ... nothing is hidden like we tend to do as we get older. He looked back at me with a look as if to say I already know the answer but I am going to ask so I can hear you say it. He said, "Are you and Grandpa glad to have sons?". I said Grandpa and I are very glad to have "grand"sons! We continued into the house and positioned the shelf in its place by the door. I took a picture of the builders and then when Allison came in Braeden said "LOOK! It is a backpack holder!"

We had a really nice visit with Laverne and Larry today as they passed through on their way to Roaring Springs from Kentucky. I made the traditional spaghetti dinner Mom always made, Spaghetti with meatballs, salad and peas. We had nice conversation but the thing that sticks out most is a story Laverne told that drove home the point that even when we do not think our kids are watching us and learning they are. The examples we set are so much more important than the words we say.

Watch what you do ... you are being watched!